Healing is Hard
And She Wrote 🌄
Healing is hard. Resting can be harder-er.
I’m tempted to leave this post with that one thought. But writing is soothing and I’m thankful for this space tonight. The past week I have been recovering from my surgery and physically it has been better than I could have asked for, with one exception. I have slept a lot. I really should say, I’m tired a lot, but I still feel my flesh shirking away from the t-word, as if identifying with being a tired person somehow labels me with a scarlet leTter. This is a lie that has been surfacing pretty intensely over the past week. It feels as raw and fragile as my surgical incisions. More so if I’m being honest…
I think my awareness of this lie surfaced when I tried to delude myself into believe that the ten air squats I got out of bed to do where in fact to help me “heal” and most definitely not because I just needed to do anything to justify to myself that I wasn’t lazy for sleeping and resting six days after a major surgery, where organs were removed, and the doctors orders were to actually sleep and get lots of rest.
Today a memory surfaced of another time a similar lie surfaced in my heart. I was working with a trainer and she had asked me to write down everything I had been eating. The week prior to our meeting I had been sick and unable to stomach much food. When I did brave eating something it was carb heavy and lacked nutrients. I very vividly remember the thought, “well at least I barely ate.” I genuinely believed that my trainer would be pleased with me because “at least I hadn’t eaten,” and I was sincerely shocked at her reaction (which was not, in fact, pleasure of any sort).
Somewhere along the way I had internalized that not nourishing my body was a good thing. Instead of the truth that it is irresponsible, and not taking care of myself. The truth that there was nothing redemptive in not feeding my body, honestly shocked me…or rather the fact that I had accepted that lie as truth for so long, shocked me. It’s funny how things we would never accept for the ones we love, like our children, we find so acceptable for ourselves, isn’t it?
While that last thought about food was very much rooted in my family system (especially the matriarchal side of things) the other lie, that if I am not doing anything I must be a lazy, worthless person (ouch writing that out stings a little) - but that thought, while for sure rooted in my upbringing, is one that swirls all around us in our society. While there are a lot of things Americans value, rest is not one of them.
Anyways back to my original point.
Healing is hard. It requires a surrender that is challenging. You aren’t in control of how quickly it happens. You truly aren’t in control of much at all. Boundaries are placed around you and if you let them, they can feel like prison bars instead of the tracks your healing train is running on. One day you wake up feeling too tired to talk. The next you wake up feeling like yourself, only to resume feeling-like-yourself activities and realize you are not in fact actually feeling-like-yourself just yet. Then the lies. There are so many. I’ve already touched on the big one for me (and probably most people) the guilt of everything you aren’t able to do. Or how you start wondering if things will ever change, thinking you’ll never feel “normal” again. I mean, a nasty cold can have you seriously convinced your left nostril will never breathe aor again, you know?!
I wish I had some grand point to all this…but I don’t. I will say that as hard as healing can be, gratitude is a really great antidote to all the complaining and grumbling we are tempted to do. Yes, healing is hard, but it is also a privilege to be in a process that means you have survived and are alive!
I hope this post doesn’t come across as me complaining, or being negative because I’m so thankful for so many things. My husband installing the tv in the bedroom. The Office which I’ve never watched before but has been the one thing I’ve enjoyed watching. My family being so helpful. Friends that have been making me feel so loved. My meal train that has been the biggest blessing to me and my family! I could go on and on but the more I type the more I’m rambling soo…maybe just remember - if you’re going through some kind of healing - emotionally, relationally, physically…be gentle with yourself! Give yourself lots of grace and lean into the things you want to run from because…what else do you have to do!
❤️ Rebecca
You are loved by so many. Your body is telling you to rest and there's nothing lazy about it! Enjoy your time allowing your body to heal and people to love on you. You deserve it!